What are you seeking?

I was talking with a young, hungry professional not long ago, and he was laying out his dreams and aspirations to me. I have no doubt this young man can and will accomplish what he sets his mind to. And yet, I found myself at 50 trying to manage supporting him and encouraging him while also quietly carrying the life I know is coming for him, and for everyone else, from their early twenties to my age.

Priorities will change. The people you surround yourself with will change. Relationships will deepen. Relationships will be lost. People you love the most will get desperately sick. Someone you love profoundly will die. Maybe you have kids. Maybe you have your own health issues. Life is a lot, in retrospect.

Which is exactly why knowing what you are seeking matters so much. It’s about resilience. It’s about focus. It’s about making sure you wake up at 50, look around at a life that looks nothing like you pictured in your twenties, and still feel you accomplished all you dreamed of and more. Not less.

Talented, driven people often get what they want. Ask a driven person what they want and they’ll tell you before you finish the question. Ask what they’re seeking, on the other hand, and you’ll likely get silence. That gap is the whole thing. It’s the chasm that opens up over a life actually lived, and it has a way of telling you too late that your wants weren’t all they were cracked up to be. 

So I want to offer four comparisons worth examining. In each pair, the two can look almost identical from the outside, but they are not the same thing at all.

Happiness vs. Joy
When you seek happiness, you chase conditions. The promotion. The number. The recognition. The praise. You optimize your life to feel good, and you inherently tie that feeling to things going your way. It works right up until life stops cooperating, and life always stops cooperating. Happiness is a state of being you can’t fully control, so seeking it puts your peace at the mercy of circumstance.

When you seek joy, you bring something instead of chasing it. Joy is a choice and an action, not a mood you wait to receive. It doesn’t require the day to go well. It can sit right next to sorrow and hold its own. I’ve felt joy in the middle of grief, the fullness in reflection upon my father’s death, the echo of a lost friend’s laugh, in a good morning in the depths of sadness that actually means it. Happiness depends on the world. Joy depends on you.

Being Nice vs. Being Kind
When you seek to be nice, you are managing how people feel about you. You smooth things over. You want to be liked. You tell people what they want to hear and call it generosity, when really it’s about your own comfort. Nice can obscure a lack of depth.

When you seek to be kind, you are after the other person’s actual goodness, even when it costs you. Kindness tells the hard truth. Kindness sets the boundary. Nice can buy shallow approval and a pile of things left unsaid. Kind builds the kind of trust where someone knows they can come to you no matter how confusing or awkward it gets. Kindness is rooted in love.

Being Smart vs. Being Wise
When you seek to be smart, you want to be right. You want the answer first and you want the answer that wins the room. You collect knowledge and you make sure people see it. Smart is fast, and smart is often impressive. Smart also assumes it has already asked the right questions because further digging may make you look less smart.

When you seek to be wise, you slow down. Wisdom is less about having the answer and more about knowing which question actually matters, and when to stop giving answers and continue asking them. It knows what it doesn’t know or, at least, that it doesn’t know. It assumes it might be wrong and goes looking for the holes on purpose. Smart earns you admiration in the moment. Wisdom earns credibility and respect that still hold up years later, when the room has emptied, life has happened, and the applause is gone.

Being Seen as a Leader vs. Seeking to Lead
When you seek to be seen as a leader, you are chasing the title and the recognition that come with it. The position becomes the point. You manage your image. You want the credit for the win as much as you want the win itself. And the moment the spotlight moves, you feel it, because your sense of self was tied to being watched.

When you seek to lead, you are simply taking responsibility for something that needs doing, whether anyone is watching or not. You develop the people around you. You give the credit away and it doesn’t cost you a thing. Leadership is a team sport. The people who chase the appearance of it tend to be brittle and self-focused. The people who actually seek to lead become the ones others choose to follow.

Look closely and you’ll notice the same pattern in all four of these comparisons. One version points outward, toward how things look and how you’re received. The other points inward, toward who you are and what you bring. One is fragile because it depends on the world staying arranged in your favor. The other is durable because it doesn’t.

So back to that young man laying out his dreams. I believe him. I believe he’ll get there. I just hope what he’s seeking survives the life that’s coming.